I’m in too good of a mood to smack down anyone this week so instead here are my thoughts on tonight’s election:

A little over 4 years ago I remember my wife and I attending a John Kerry rally at our loacl events center and remarking at how NORMAL the vast majority of people who attended seemed.  Living in a red state we were bombarded with anti-liberal propaganda and led to believe that all liberals were anti-gun, pro-legalized marijuana, pro-choice, anti-war/anti-troops un-American LIBERALS (pronounced with emphasis and with a touch of derision).  Marilyn and I knew that we didn’t feel this way on most of these issues but had been brainwashed into thinking that if we attended a Democratic Party rally that we would get a contact high and would spend most of our time avoiding eye contact with extremist tye-died psychopaths.  As we were standing in line I couldn’t help but remark that contrary to this popular notion most of the people there were like us and were talking about hope and change and how things could be so much better than they were at that moment.  My impression was that most of the people there took strong exception to being called un-American or anti-troop simply because we believed with everything in us that President Bush was wrong on Iraq.  We didn’t believe that the cost of battling terrorism was the violation of basic human rights and loss of individual freedoms guaranteed us by the founding fathers and Constitution.  We were all working towards a better tomorrow and a parents primal instinct to provide a brighter future for our children.  We attended another rally in a rural community a week later to meet in person General Wes Clark, a man we supported in his primary bid.  While we enjoyed the company of a small group of Democrats at the rally we also boggled at the mindless pro-Bush rhetoric and talking points in the community and how the election seemed to be taking place 40 years ago immediately after Vietnam rather than through the prism of time that wisdom and age provide.  We couldn’t believe the volume of robocalls as my parents phone rang literally every 15 minutes with pre-recorded messages from the Bush campaign and other conservative candidates.  Tonight I’m sitting here watching a very gracious John McCain concede the election and an equally gracious Barack Obama accept the Presidency and my mind boggles.  Did it really take 9 years to get to this point?  Why didn’t people listen to us in 2000 when we were pleading that Gore would be a better choice?  Why didn’t they listen to us in 2004 when w were screaming from the rooftops that America was in serious trouble?  I don’t know the answers to these questions (believe me I’ve run these through my mindmearly daily for 9 years) but tonight I feel reasured that there are now a majority of Americans that feel the way that we do and only want things to get better.  I also know there are alot of people out there that are very concerned about what it means to have Obama as President.  I get that.  To them I would ask:  How much worse could things get at this point?  The only real choice we have is to look to the future and place our fears and our hopes in God and pray that he will give Barack Obama the guidance and strength to do what’s RIGHT for all Americans.  That’s the best we can ever hope for.

None of this has really sunk it yet and I’m sure I’ll have more to say in the next few days once it does.  I’m equally sure that Obama/Biden will give me plenty of things to rant about in the weekly smackdown so I look forward to that!  In the meantime it’s bottoms up for me and mine as we celebrate and enjoy this moment that is better than our birthdays, Christmas, and New Years all rolled into one.  Good night and God bless.

This weeks roundup of the truly despicable:

- Bailouts - Someone please explain to me again why I’m bailing out banks and insurance companies.  I can’t think of two industries that have done LESS for me and in fact have even conspired to make my as hard a possible the past several years.  Now that they’re greed and opportuntistic business practices have driven them into the ground and my hard earned tax money is being to used to bail them out I can tell you one thing:  I don’t want to pay another ATM or overdraft fee for like EVER!  Oh and don’t even think about turning down my insurance claim as standard practice.  Here’s another thing that chaps my ass about this while thing:  The price of oil is dependent on the stock market and the banks and insurance companies caused this mess while oil companies have posted record profits for several quarters in a row.  Why in the HELL aren’t we making the oil companies bail out the banks?

- Sarah Palins wardrobe - Ladies, I’ve watched the Oscar preshows.  Do you all REALLY think that Sarah Palin could get away with wearing the same suit twice in 2 months?  Or have hair and makeup that was less than perfect?  The men can wear the blue suit Monday with the blue tie and the same suit Wednesday with the red tie and NOONE NOTICES!  Women don’t have that luxury…mainly because of other women.  Give me a break, the whole $150,000 clothes issue is a NONISSUE so get over it and get used to it because this will be the norm once we have more high profile women running for the highest offices.

- Joe the Plumber - Oh nevermind I’m so sick of this one even I can’t get worked up over it anymore.

- Melamine in China - At this point is there anything they eat that DOESN’T have melamine in it?  I propose we just start calling the country “Melamine.”

- Obama ahead in polls - You’d think this would be a good thing but unfortunately there are you giant MORONS out there that look at the polls and say to yourself “I don’t need to go vote if he’s so far ahead.”  GO VOTE!!!  Regardless of who you vote for your voice needs to be heard.

Next weeks smackdown could go very badly one way or the other depending on the election results.  Stay tuned…

An alternate title for this post could be “The one in which Kile sobers up enough from his scotch-induced coma to spout nonsensical rhetoric.” Heh. This weeks roundup of the truly despicable:

- Dean Heller - If you’re not from Norther Nevada you probably don’t know him but he’s running for one of the open congressional seats here. I have never seen such a deplorable, mud-slinging, low-brow campaign. And this from the guy who’s a REPUBLICAN running in a REPUBLICAN leaning district and leading by 13 FUCKING POINTS in the polls. Also, since when did the term “liberal” become a dirty word meant to be said with vitriol and derision? This guys a world-class jackass. I’d be embarrassed to vote for him even if I was a Republican.

- David Frum on Rachel Maddow - Dude, seriously I understand what you were TRYING to say on the show whcih was basically that we need to get away from low-brow politics. Bravo! Couldn’t agree with you more. But why in the world would you compare Maddows punditry with bigotry and lies? They aren’t even in the same fucking ballpark! When you were confronted with this fact by Maddow your response was to change the subject? Did you really think you were going to get the last word on that one? I’m so sick of that dismissive elitist attitude. Stand up and argue like a man you pussy (especially when you bring it up)!

- Obama-Ayers “Controversy” - Is the McCain campaign seriously going to pin all their hopes on deriding a professional relationship between Barack Obama and Bill Ayers, the Distinguished Professor at the University of Illinois at Chicago? A relationship in which they first met and worked together on education reform and fighting poverty? FUCKING LIBERALS!! Always out there trying to reform our education fight poverty!

- McCain Campaign - You do know that pinning your hopes on the Obama-Ayers “Controversy” is the last nail in your coffin right? Just saying.

What the hell am I going to complain about once the election is over? Okay I need more scotch.

This weeks roundup of the truly despicable:

- Clay Aiken - You’re GAY? You have go to be fucking kidding me! WOW! I didn’t see that one coming. BTW I think you look like Liza Manelli, only less masculine.

- Bush Administration - Have I told you lately how glad I am you TANKED the economy and now not only am I paying for it on a daily basis but my kids will also have to pay. Thank you fucking asshats! Now let’s elect McCain so we can have 4 more years of this shit.

- Arkansas Evangelist - Okay moron where the hell in the Bible does it say to molest children? I can tell you what Jesus DOES say about children in Matthew 18:6: “But if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.” Go read your bible while I look for my millstone.

- Recent visitors to my site - COME ON!! There were like a bazillion of you Mac fanatics who visited my site and NOT ONE of you left a comment.

I’m still waiting for the phone call from Apple. I would totally move to the Bay Area to work for you! Maybe Guy Kawasaki will put in a good word for me?

This weeks roundup of the truly despicable:

- Federal Bailouts - Look I GET that the economy is tanking and that the collapse of large banking institutions could trigger a worse problem. I saw the writing on the wall on this FOUR YEARS AGO and we had an opportunity to make a change then and we didn’t. Let’s recap: Bush loses in 1999 but takes office anyway, the stock market starts to tank in 2000 shortly after he takes office, 9/11 drives the stock market lower, the fed starts cutting interest rates to shore up the stock market, people start playing the housing market as a get rich quick scheme driving up prices, mortgage companies get greedy, the stock market improves and the fed drives up rates, everybody get’s a fucking reality check that the housing market ISN’T a get rich quick scheme and they can’t make their mortgage payments, the big mortgage banks get in trouble and the federal government bails them out. Now what was the cause of all of this again? The thing that really burns my ass is that now we ae stuck bailing out mortgage bankers and insurance companies. That’s right! YOU and ME are stuck footing the bill for FUCKING MORTGAGE BANKERS and INSURANCE COMPANIES!! What have they done for me lately except bend me over and rape me? Who do we bail out next, OIL COMPANIES? Wait here’s an idea: Let’s let the oil companies use some of those record profits to bail out the mortgage and insurance companies! Is the price of oil NOT dependent on the stock market?

- Hunting down terrorists - Wait we’re suddenly concerned about catching these guys? Nobody sent me the memo!

- Sarah Palin - How in the hell is she ever going to make an effective VP if they won’t even let her talk unscripted? I can only assume they won’t because they know she’s going to fuck it up for McCain. Great choice Republicans!

- Twilight - Look ladies I understand you are all atwitter about Edward Cullen and just can’t WAIT (squee!) for the movie to come out. However, for the love of GOD please just acknowledge that these are CHICK BOOKS and for the love of everything decent please STOP making your poor boyfriends and husbands read the series just so you can “talk about it!” YOU’RE DRIVING US FUCKING CRAZY!! (This rant does not apply whatsoever to the True Blood tv show since it has racy sex scenes and we’re totally on board with that)

I can’t wait to see who’s been bailed out by this time next week. I can guaran-damn-TY you that it won’t be me or anyone I know.

This weeks roundup of the truly despicable:

Russell Brand - You know your pithy humor only goes so far especially with that ratty mop of hair and dilated pupils.  Seriously are you stoned all the time?  That was tacky bashing the Jonas Brothers for wearing “purity rings.”  We all know they’re getting laid more than a Vegas pimp but the rings complete the good boy image they have going which is why they are getting laid so much in the first place!  What don’t you understand about this you giant buffoon?

Women who used to support Hillary who now support Palin - Are you really that fucking sexist?  You seriously want a woman in office that bad that you are willing to jump ship on your own party?  That’s pretty weak.

Thailand - More specifically the Thailand Constitutional Court.  You FIRED your Prime Minister just because he appeared on a COOKING SHOW that he used to host?  WTF?!  You don’t even WANT to know what happens in our country with the likes of Dick Cheney and Haliburton.  HOOOOO BOY!!

Lance Armstrong - What the fu….?  No wait I actually think it’s a good idea you’re coming out of retirement to race in the Tour an eighth time.  Good For you!  Break a leg!

Apple - Why didn’t you TELL me you were unveiling a new iPod a mere TWO WEEKS after I bought mine?  I coulc have totally had the new hotness but now I’m stuck with old and busted.  Well……FUCK!

p.s. I still love you Apple.  You too Lance.  Group hug!  Awwwww.

What the hell happened to Tuesday? And why the fuck was I the only on at work on Monday?

This weeks roundup of the truly despicable:

- Joe Lieberman - His slogan: “Big enough balls to switch parties but not big enough to switch to the party he actually supports!” Does anyone like this guy?

- WordPress - Thank you SO much for losing my Tuesday Smackdown post so I have to rewrite everything from here down. Bitch.

- Sarah Palin - Rather the controversy surrounding her pregnant 17 year old daughter. To both sides: I DON’T FUCKING CARE!! It’s such a non-issue and we should just move on to the next controversy.

- Tuesday - WTF?!

- Whole Foods - Damn you for making me want to shop at your store. Your delicious fruits, cheeses, and meatses make my mouth water. I can even set aside my righteous indignation of your other patrons (aka “Snooty Old Bitches”) just to step through your magical portal and breathe in your intoxicating scents.

Okay that’s enough (that’s what she said). Next week Tuesday Smackdown will be on time. Pinky swear.

Holy shit it’s Tuesday already? Must be time for smackdown! This week’s rondup of the truly despicable:

- Barack Obama - Thank you SO much for keeping us all on the edge our seats about your VP pick just so you could turn around and pick: Joe Fucking Biden?? After all that you went for the crusty old white guy!! December can’t GET here any sooner.

- John McCain - What the hell are you waiting for? Announce you’re crusty old white guy already!! Oh I’m sorry it’s supposed to be a “surprise.” Fuck, I wish it were December already.

- Russia - In regards to Georgia: Either fuck them properly or pull the fuck OUT! (that’s what she said)

- Cows - What are you a bunch of freaking monarch butterflies now with your ability to figure out which way is North? Next thing you know you’ll all sprout wings and fly over the countryside crapping on everything. You really freak me out.

- American Idol - Come on guys do you really think that adding a FOURTH judge is going to save that sinking ship? Here’s an idea: PRODUCE A FUCKING AMERICAN IDOL. The only people who succeed do so in SPITE of your show and can at least fall back on their righteous indignation.

- Replay in baseball - Waiting around for blue to review the tape will make THAT fucking game more exciting.

I’m sure in December I won’t have anything to complain about. Is it December yet?

This weeks roundup of the truly despicable:

China’s Olympic Gymnastic Team - You seriously expect me to believe that any of those girls are older than 10?!  Most of them haven’t even gone though PUBERTY yet but there you are parading them around like 16 year olds.  It seems like the more China TRIES to impress th word the more they FAIL.  But then again communist countries have to do SOMETHING to cover up the rampant poverty and human rights abuses even if that means manipulating children.  Disgusting!

- While we’re on the subject lets talk about gymnastics scoring - WTF?!  The new system was supposed to eliminate judging bias but it seems like it just justifies it.  Why don;t they just start over from scratch and be done with it!

- John McCain AND Barack Obama - Are you morons gonna pick running mates or WHAT?  Oh I get it!  McCain doesn’t want to pick a running mate because he’s waiting to see if McCain picks a woman because HE wants to pick a woman and if they both pick women there’s no issue.  But if McCain picks a crusty old white guy then Obama ALSO needs to pick a crusty old white guy otherwise he’s hanging his ass in the wind with too many minorities on a ticket.  McCain is waiting to see if Obama has the balls to run a woman for VP because then he’ll pick a crusty old white guy.  But if Obama picks a crusty old white guy them maybe he should pick a hispanic or black guy to make the ticket more diverse.  OH MY DEAR GOD IVE GONE BLIND!!!  Just pick a VP already you pusses so we can decide which moron we want to vote for!

- My wife and older boy - I told them they were going on my Tuesday Smackdown and my darling wife says “don’t make it sound like I beat him or anything!”  FIne. I promose not to do that as long as you both agree you will TRY not to PISS EACH OTHER OFF on a daily basis.  I swear theire personalities are perfectly tuned to pick at each other and find the ONE thing that they KNOW will piss the other off.  Heaven forbid anything should ever happen to me because they’ll never make it.  (in all seriousness my wife would never harm our children….physically.  Have you seen the title of her blog?)

It’s a lttle late this week but you can bite me.

p.s. Did I mention how much I STRONGLY DISLIKE Michael Phelps and his 4,000 condoms?  Prick.

This weeks roundup of the truly despicable:

President Bush - Can a person look more bored at the Olympics? At least your wife has the decency to LOOK impressed while your CHECKING YOUR WATCH!! Okay okay I’ll cut you a little slack since you and your buddy Putin HAD just been talking about Georgia a few minutes before. Still, over the next few days you could have used your infinite power as Commander in Chief to at LEAST hold the American flag the right way:

- Bob Costas - Hey moron, thank’s for pointing out the painfully obvious. How did primetime television EVER do without YOUR witty banter?

- John Edwards - Oh doooooood! What the hell were YOU thinking? It’s one thing cheating on your wife but when she has cancer? That’s a whole new kind of wrong. I’m sure Obama is TOTALLY considering you for the VP spot now.

- Michael Phelps - A special thank you for once again showing me just how big of a fat, lazy loser I really am!  Just wait until you retire and all you do is lounge around on the couch and play video games.  THEN we’ll see who’s a fat lazy loser.

- China’s government - Turns out the little girl in the red dress?  Not so much a singer!  China’s politburo decided that the REAL singer was too UGLY to represent the nation.  WTF?!  These fucking people decided to use an ACTRESS to lip-synch the song while the REAL singer was hidden away.   Then they wonder why the rest of the world points fingers at them and decries their human rights abuses!  What a bunch of 1st class, grade A, prejudiced MORONS.  Oh and the footprints fireworks?  Turns out that they may or may not have been REAL!  That country is seriously FUCKED UP!

(What?  No John McCain or Barack Obama on the list this week?  They must be getting ready to pick their VP’s)