I’m here tonight to explain my recent absence from my blog and to fully vet the reasons for said absence.  I can tell by your chilly silence that you are still mad at me so let me explain (listen up because this is for both of you).  Several events have transpired this past week to occupy my time and created a perfect storm of inactivity.  I’d like to blame the heavy workload as we approach a critical time of year at work.  I’d like to blame my recent subscription renewal to Runescape for sucking my time.  I’d like to blame my recent return to “long distance” running if you can call wheezing and crawling around the block running.  Did I mention I used to be a long distance runner?  I’ll leave you guessing at that one until I’m good and ready to talk about it.  However, if I’m to be truthful I have to place the blame on the one person who has sucked my time more than anything this past week:  That god-damned Michael Phelps! 

My wife turned to me the other night as we watched Michael Phelps win his 8th gold medal:

Marilyn:  That Michael Phelps is getting alot of ass in Bejing
me:  That nerd?  You really think he’d getting alot of ass with those ears and that goofy face?
Marilyn:  Did you know they’ve used like 100,000 condoms at the Olympics already?
me: *blink blink*
Marilyn:  And that’s for like 4,000 athletes!
me:  You do know athletes at the Olympics don’t have sex right?
Marilyn:  Why?
me:  Because sex takes exertion and Olympic athletes aren’t going to expend that energy on sex
Marilyn: *stunned silence*
me: Besides their so over-scheduled they don’t have time for sex

What I also wanted to say for fear of jeopardizing MY chances for ass was a quote from Michael Phelps himself:  “I’m actually pretty lazy.  When I’m not swimming I just like to lay on the couch and play video games.”  Do you know what that means?  It means that in 10 years Michael Phelps will not only be a goofy looking nerd but he’ll also be a FAT goofy looking nerd.  What really chaps my ass is that he’ll STILL be getting more ass than I could ever imagine.  That god-damned Michael Phelps!

We were watching the Olympics this past weekend and it struck me as odd that I don’t find as much enjoyment from the Summer Olympics as I do the Winter Olympics.  There’s the same intense competition, triumph, and agony of defeat that should be just as appealing.  There are definitely summer sports that I love to watch such as gymnastics or track and field but there always seems to be something MISSING from each event.  This morning it finally hit me:  The Summer Olympics need more COWBELL!  For whatever reason it has become part of the Winter Olympic “culture” for spectators to bang cowbells loudly as racers pass.  This provides the unique “clang clang clang clang” you hear when watching the event on tv and has become a staple of the Winter Olympics.  I propose that they bring this concept to Summer Olympics.  Spectators can sit at the side of pool during swimming events and loudly clang their cowbells at the swimmers as they race!  Or imagine what it would add to gymnastics if several hundred people were clanging their cowbells during the uneven parallel bars competition.  The possibilities are endless!

I just finished reading Jon Armstrong’s article over at blurbomat.com enititled “Thoughts on BlogHer 08” and wanted to respectfully respond with some of my thoughts.  First off, thank you Jon for having the courage to post such a well written response even though you know it might exacerbate the “drama” and kudos to you for leaving comments open.

I’ll preface this post by saying I know shit from apple butter about nearly everything so please take my comments with a grain of salt.  I’m very sorry to hear you lost your aunt.  I’m sure you’ve heard alot of mostly empty and meaningless condolences (”I’m so sorry for your loss” etc.) and I won’t insult you by adding mine but to simply say: that really sucks.  As such you should not feel the need to apologize for anything. 

As far as BlogHer itself is concerned I think you need to go into it knowing that there will be drama.  From my vast wealth of experience working with women I can tell you with absolutely no hesitation that if you get more than two women together there is going to be drama.  It goes to reason that if you put nearly 1,000 women together at a conference it’s not a matter of there being drama or not rather it’s a matter of it being drama or DRAMA!  If you approach BlogHer with this in mind and make conscious decision to avoid as much of the DRAMA as possible you will make your life much easier and hopefully the experience much better.

You talk quite a bit in your post about Heather being a celebrity to which I have no disagreement.  However, I do think you both are very naive about the culture of “celebrity” and how fleeting it really is.  Please hear me when I say that you are on a ride and there’s a VERY good chance the ride will come to an end.  I would even be so bold to say that the ride could come to very abrupt halt.  That’s okay because it happens to all celebrities at some point in there careers.  People simply move on and the once famous celebrity is left scratching their head trying to figure out what they did wrong.  This is something you should keep in mind with all your dealings with people on the internet and in real life.

Being a celebrity you also need to find ways to deal with perception (or rather misperception) of those you interact with.  Everyone is going to react to Heather differently and in most cases they will react much differently than you would anticipate or how you would react in the same situation.  I know you have very good reasons for the way you and Heather conduct yourselves on your blogs and in person.  I can’t begin to imagine the volume of email and comments you must have to deal with.  However, when i visit Heather’s site my percpeption, accurate or not, is that she is very cold and unapproachable.  Let me reiterate:  I am NOT saying Heather IS cold and unapproachable (how would I know that?), I’m just saying that’s my perception and it’s unfortunate when I want to leave a small comment or other on a post that I can’t do that:  that’s all.  You need to figure out how to manage those perceptions and misperceptions.

To be perfectly blunt:  I couldn’t disagree with you more in regards to your comments about Heather helping other bloggers.  I’ll concede that she’s played a role in garnering attention to blogging in general and mommyblogging in particular.  However, you are missing one critical component in the equation:  the readers.  Just like a retailer doesn’t become “mainstream” unless they have customers, bloggers get nowhere if they don’t have readers.  Don’t ever forget that (refer to my comments about being a celebrity above).  Advertisers pay to put ads on blogs so they can sell the people reading the blog their products and it’s as simple as that.  The reader’s of Heathers blog, including myself, have helped Heather (and you) MUCH more than Heather has helped fellow bloggers so I’m sorry to say your remarks come off as nothing but condescending.

To close I only want to briefly comment on the “drama” at the closing keynote.  I wasn’t there.  My wife wasn’t there.  We had to leave BlogHer early thanks to our parking situation at the Westin so I can’t comment about the exchange between Heather and Jenny.  However, I did read the “mythical hobbit” comment Jenny posted on her blog and I didn’t see anything offensive about it.  I thought she was just trying to be funny (in her way) and was trying to illustrate Heather’s absence from the conference (which you admitted to in your post btw).  But of course that’s only my perception.