I’ve decided I need a new system. Or something. I don’t know about any of you but I always do my best work when there’s not alot of commotion or noise which sucks for me since our home is nothing BUT commotion and noise these days. I kid you not that I have started no less than 3 posts the past few days that remain unfinished simply because I can’t finish them. It’s a rare moment in the evening that I can get a moment to think for myself let alone put our well-written or pithy posts (they are mutually exclusive after all so they have to be on the other!). What I SHOULD be doing is writing my posts at work on my lunch break but those have been mostly non-existent as well. Hopefully things will quiet down on one front or another soon so I can resume my goal of posting once per day and maybe I can even *gasp* put up some PICTURES. That would be sweet!

I’m here tonight to explain my recent absence from my blog and to fully vet the reasons for said absence.  I can tell by your chilly silence that you are still mad at me so let me explain (listen up because this is for both of you).  Several events have transpired this past week to occupy my time and created a perfect storm of inactivity.  I’d like to blame the heavy workload as we approach a critical time of year at work.  I’d like to blame my recent subscription renewal to Runescape for sucking my time.  I’d like to blame my recent return to “long distance” running if you can call wheezing and crawling around the block running.  Did I mention I used to be a long distance runner?  I’ll leave you guessing at that one until I’m good and ready to talk about it.  However, if I’m to be truthful I have to place the blame on the one person who has sucked my time more than anything this past week:  That god-damned Michael Phelps! 

My wife turned to me the other night as we watched Michael Phelps win his 8th gold medal:

Marilyn:  That Michael Phelps is getting alot of ass in Bejing
me:  That nerd?  You really think he’d getting alot of ass with those ears and that goofy face?
Marilyn:  Did you know they’ve used like 100,000 condoms at the Olympics already?
me: *blink blink*
Marilyn:  And that’s for like 4,000 athletes!
me:  You do know athletes at the Olympics don’t have sex right?
Marilyn:  Why?
me:  Because sex takes exertion and Olympic athletes aren’t going to expend that energy on sex
Marilyn: *stunned silence*
me: Besides their so over-scheduled they don’t have time for sex

What I also wanted to say for fear of jeopardizing MY chances for ass was a quote from Michael Phelps himself:  “I’m actually pretty lazy.  When I’m not swimming I just like to lay on the couch and play video games.”  Do you know what that means?  It means that in 10 years Michael Phelps will not only be a goofy looking nerd but he’ll also be a FAT goofy looking nerd.  What really chaps my ass is that he’ll STILL be getting more ass than I could ever imagine.  That god-damned Michael Phelps!

Anyone who knows me also knows I LOVE Del Taco. My wife, however, is not quite so enthusiastic about their food but is usually game enough every couple of months or so to let me get my fix. On our way home from snobsville Whole Foods this afternoon where we encountered many snobby old bitches interesting people we stopped to get some quick lunch. I was more thirsty than hungry and ordered a large iced tea (I don’t drink soda) and taco and Marilyn ordered a regular size combo meal with strawberry lemonade. The guy passed my drink through the window:

me: Holy freaking crap!
Marilyn: Holy cow are you thirsty?
me: I hope so!

Then the guy passed me Marilyns drink:

me: Awwwww…how cute!
Marilyn: *pouty face*
me: I hope you were thirsty!
Marilyn: *coolly ignores my smart ass comment* It’s so leeetle!

I guess I can’t blame her for hating Del Taco (well maybe a little).

If anyone ever mentions to you that a person grows old gracefully please do me a favor and sock them in the nose and call them a BALD FACED LIAR!  Every night when we go to bed the conversation goes something like this:

slackemama:  *gets down on one knee to pick the baby off the floor* POP!!
me: damn babe was that the floor?
slackermama: no that was my knee!
me: man you’re getting old
slackermama: shut up!
me: *heads up the stairs* Crack! Creak! Crack! Creak! Crack!
slackermama: is that the stairs or you knees?!
me: my knees…
slackermama: man you’re getting ol…
me shut up!

We were sitting in our lounge chairs this evening and I swear everything on me hurt including my hair. This might be understandable for someone who does hard labor every day but I don’t! Marilyn said she hurt too and we should take some tylenol together (awww how cute huh?) and I said “no what we need is Geritol!” We both paused for a second and then I coyly asked “what the hell is Geritol anyway?”

Back when we were kids in the 70’s and 80’s we always made fun of older people who weren’t quite ederly (you know someone as old as I am NOW) by popping off with some snide remark about how they should start taking Geritol and wash it down with some Metamucil and prune juice. This may sound mean now but we always thought it was HILARIOUS. Turns out the joke was on me.

Sometime in the 1950’s the elderly all got together and formed a huge conspiracy against us young whipper-snappers that lasted well into the 1980’s. I never really paid that much attention to what was actually IN Geritol but now with the magic of Wikipedia we can see the whole picture. Do you know what the name Geritol stands for? The first part is obvious: “Geri” comes from the word “Geriatrics” but do you know what anything that ends with the letter “ol” contains genius? ALCOHOL! This shit was basiacally a bottle of booze with a shit load of iron and vitamins tossed in! Not only that but it was 12% alcohol. That’s 24 PROOF! This means that the whole time we were berating and mocking them the old bastards were getting shit-faced and laughing at US knowing THEY got the last laugh! Isn’t that diabolical? Not only that but the conspiracy also managed to get the alcohol removed by the time any of my generation could even think about taking a shot. Right now they’re all up in heaven (or in hell if there really is a God) high-fiving, dancing around and are like “in your FACE whipper-snappers!” Now I really have something to loathe while I sit here rubbing my hair and drinking a gin and tonic.

We visited a Woodcraft retail store today with my parents and at said store was a build-it-yourself guitar kit. Harry already has a strong interest in both music and woodworking so needless to say he stoked at the idea of building your own guitar. He also has a small beginners guitar that his uncle bought him for Christmas a few years ago. After we talked to the guy about the kit and the six week class they offer to build it Harry and I had the following conversation:

Harry: Papa?
me: yes?
Harry: my guitar only plays country music
me: *blink* what do you mean kiddo?
Harry: when I play my guitar why does only country music come out of it? I want it to play rock and roll music
me: well Harry the guitar doesn’t play the music, the person playing the guitar decides what kind of music comes out of it
Harry: oh…. *deep intense thought*

Several hours later (after the drama of my parents newly purchased air conditioner for their camper getting blown off the roof of our van onto the highway) Harry came down stairs:

Harry: my guitar is STILL only playing country music!
me: what do you mean?
Marilyn: can you tell us what sound its making?
Harry: well I don’t know what sound but it doesn’t sound like rock and roll music
*Marilyn looks at me and I look at her and we simultaneously come to a sudden realization as to just what the HELL he’s talking about*
me: well Harry you need a different kind of guitar to play rock and roll music
Marilyn: yeah you need an electric guitar
me: what you have is an acoustic guitar and thats the kind of guitar they generally use for country music

Sometimes it takes a little bit to get on his same wavelength…

A few days ago Marilyndrove down to get me so we could take Evie to her 4 month well baby appointment.  While driving down the street I suddenly realized:

me: aww crap
her: what?
me: I forgot to renew my drivers license
her: well what did you do that for?
me: I dunno…just that sorta bear I guess

My drivers license expired on my birthday last month. For most people (and for me under normal circumstances) renewing ones drivers license is not such a big deal but when it came time to renew this year I had Very Special Circumstances. Those of you who read my wifes blog have already heard this story so you’re excused from the rest of this post. For the rest of you I went in about 6 weeks ago for emergency surgery to repair an umbilical hernia. This was 2 days before my birthday which was also the day my drivers license renewal was up. Long story short in the hubub of recovering from surgery, being out of town at the time and extending our stay because I couldn’t travel, and the time suckage that is my life in the summer I completely forgot about my drivers license until the moment above. The good news is that the State of Nevada gives a 60 day grace period to renew your license so I’m good as long as I get it done in the next week or so. Just another reason that I suck.