This weeks roundup of the truly despicable:

- Clay Aiken - You’re GAY? You have go to be fucking kidding me! WOW! I didn’t see that one coming. BTW I think you look like Liza Manelli, only less masculine.

- Bush Administration - Have I told you lately how glad I am you TANKED the economy and now not only am I paying for it on a daily basis but my kids will also have to pay. Thank you fucking asshats! Now let’s elect McCain so we can have 4 more years of this shit.

- Arkansas Evangelist - Okay moron where the hell in the Bible does it say to molest children? I can tell you what Jesus DOES say about children in Matthew 18:6: “But if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.” Go read your bible while I look for my millstone.

- Recent visitors to my site - COME ON!! There were like a bazillion of you Mac fanatics who visited my site and NOT ONE of you left a comment.

I’m still waiting for the phone call from Apple. I would totally move to the Bay Area to work for you! Maybe Guy Kawasaki will put in a good word for me?

I have to give Apple credit. They are one of the few electronics companies out there right now that are pumping out truly groundbreaking gadgets. However, I’m not sure they fully realize the potential of some of their recent releases. For example, while I love my iPod (have I ever mentioned this?) there are times when it would be nice to have the cell phone functionality provided by the iPhone. However, the iPhone is too bulky for a person who wants to use the Nike Plus kit especially when you stuff it into the available armband. It would be possible to provide a SIM card slot on the iPod so a person could get some limited cell phone functionality. Also, why don’t they just build Bluetooth in to all of their iPod products? This would make it much easier to connect bluetooth headphones and would also provide a wireless link to iTunes. Alas, the iPhone remains the pinnacle of Apples lineup since it provides all of the functionality you want and is really more of a small computer than a cell phone. I think Apple understands this but I’m not sure they really “get” it. With all the iPhone can do I’m always amazed at what it CAN’T yet do. For example, the built-in GPS is a really nice feature and great for getting directions to the nearest restaraunt. But where’s the full-blown GPS navigation software? I hope before they release another version of the iPhone or iPod that they will go and talk to some end-users and consider how these devices are really used. At a bare minimum they should at least read this post and offer to pay me an obscene amount of money to give them my opinion. Yeah I’m pretty sure they’ll go for that.

This weeks roundup of the truly despicable:

- Federal Bailouts - Look I GET that the economy is tanking and that the collapse of large banking institutions could trigger a worse problem. I saw the writing on the wall on this FOUR YEARS AGO and we had an opportunity to make a change then and we didn’t. Let’s recap: Bush loses in 1999 but takes office anyway, the stock market starts to tank in 2000 shortly after he takes office, 9/11 drives the stock market lower, the fed starts cutting interest rates to shore up the stock market, people start playing the housing market as a get rich quick scheme driving up prices, mortgage companies get greedy, the stock market improves and the fed drives up rates, everybody get’s a fucking reality check that the housing market ISN’T a get rich quick scheme and they can’t make their mortgage payments, the big mortgage banks get in trouble and the federal government bails them out. Now what was the cause of all of this again? The thing that really burns my ass is that now we ae stuck bailing out mortgage bankers and insurance companies. That’s right! YOU and ME are stuck footing the bill for FUCKING MORTGAGE BANKERS and INSURANCE COMPANIES!! What have they done for me lately except bend me over and rape me? Who do we bail out next, OIL COMPANIES? Wait here’s an idea: Let’s let the oil companies use some of those record profits to bail out the mortgage and insurance companies! Is the price of oil NOT dependent on the stock market?

- Hunting down terrorists - Wait we’re suddenly concerned about catching these guys? Nobody sent me the memo!

- Sarah Palin - How in the hell is she ever going to make an effective VP if they won’t even let her talk unscripted? I can only assume they won’t because they know she’s going to fuck it up for McCain. Great choice Republicans!

- Twilight - Look ladies I understand you are all atwitter about Edward Cullen and just can’t WAIT (squee!) for the movie to come out. However, for the love of GOD please just acknowledge that these are CHICK BOOKS and for the love of everything decent please STOP making your poor boyfriends and husbands read the series just so you can “talk about it!” YOU’RE DRIVING US FUCKING CRAZY!! (This rant does not apply whatsoever to the True Blood tv show since it has racy sex scenes and we’re totally on board with that)

I can’t wait to see who’s been bailed out by this time next week. I can guaran-damn-TY you that it won’t be me or anyone I know.

Marilyn has been bugging me to read the Twilight series. A conversation we had in the car the other day:

Marilyn: So when are you going to start reading that book?
me: I dunno…
Marilyn: But you have to start reading it!
me: I don’t think I want to read it.
Marilyn: Why not?
me: Because it’s a chick book.
Marilyn: I don’t care you have to start reading it!
me: Well maybe eventually…
Mariilyn: I’m going to kick your ass!
me: Why do you want me to read the book so damn bad?
Marilyn: So we can talk about it!
me: But what if I don’t like the book?
Marilyn: JUST READ THE FUCKING BOOK ALREADY!!

She even went so far as to replace all of my other reading material with a copy of the book. Now that’s just cruel and unusual. I haven’t read the book yet on principle alone.

Neither my wife or I have ever been financial geniuses. We’ve both learned about personal finance from the school of hard knocks and decided shortly after we had our first child that we wanted to pass down what little money management experience we have. We started with our oldest boy when he was old enough to recognize and want toys (about age 2) and started teaching him by example. The following is a short list of the financial principles we have adopted and have made part of our daily lives:

1) If you want to have money don’t spend money. We learned very early in our marriage that you have to monitor and watch your discretionary spending. We established right form the start that our kids were not going to get everything they wanted and when they wanted it. We buy our kids very few toys on a regular basis and they receive the vast majority on birthdays or Christmas.

2) Never impulse buy and always wait 24 hours before making a major purchase. The rule in our family is that nothing over $40 is purchased on a whim unless it is an already budgeted item. Chances are if you wait 24 hours that item you couldn’t live without yesterday is a distant memory today. I can’t tell you how many trips we make to Sam’s Club, Best Buy, etc. and never purchase a thing.

3) Bargain shop whenever you can. You have to be careful with this not to over do it. I remember one Sunday after church when we were looking for a place to eat and my wife proposed a restaurant. My son promptly asked me, “Do you have a coupon for that? If you don’t we can’t eat there!” A tear formed at the corner of my eye and it couldn’t have been a prouder moment for me. However, I also realized that I needed to temper our voracious bargain hunting with some reality and assure our child that it was OK to eat somewhere if you don’t have a coupon.

4) Avoid buying things on credit. Ha! Easier said than done but this rule and rule #2 above go hand-in-hand nicely.

5) Save for big purchases. For nearly the past two years my son has opted to put his weekly allowance into the “Bank of Dad” and has built up a nice sum that he can now spend on something bigger. We’ve always given him the option of what he wants to do with his money and he asks me about once a month what his balance his. To date he hasn’t pulled any money out.

6) Be nice to yourself. This is absolutely the most important rule. Once you have established a habit of following the previous 5 rules it’s very easy to become a shrewd miser and it becomes an obsession to spend as little as you can and save as much as you can. However, you also need to recognize that there are things that you and your loved ones want and need for emotional or social reasons if not for an actual need. Budget these things in whenever you can and don’t be afraid to splurge on a rare occasion. The idea is to make the splurging something special so that Venti Latte at Starbucks becomes a memorable experience rather than just your morning cup of coffee.

That’s our basic approach to teaching money management skills to our children. I’m there are a lot of other really good ideas out there so be sure to read about them at the Parent Bloggers Network. Another really useful tool is the Moneywi$e eLearning tool provided by Capital One and Consumer Advocacy so please check it out!

The following is a true story.  Some names have been changed to protect the innocent:

Friday, September 12, 2008

4:50pm - Kile leaves work a few minutes early since a) it’s been a bitch of a week, b) everyone else has pratically gone home, and c) that’s how I roll.

5:05pm - Kile pulls up in front of his house.  He just spoke on the phone to discuss what kind of pizza they want.  Their choices ranged anywhere from $5 Little Ceasars to butt ass expensive Big Guys Pizza.  They agreed that Kile would bend over for Big Guys (btw I totally enjoy bending over for Big Guys…no wait that didn’t come out right!)

6:15pm - Over an hour later we have three children changed, dressed, and otherwise ready to be unleashed on the public.  This was somehow managed without us all pissed off at one another for a change!

8:10pm - Pizza was great and except for small drama with the Simpsons Pinball machine we are all still in a pretty decent mood and head for home.

8:15pm - We arrive at home and Kile decides to check the Apple web site for details on the new iTunes 8.0

8:16pm - Kile notices an add on Apple’s web site for the iPod Nano.  He grumbles under his breathe about having the “old” iPod he just bought like 2 weeks previous.  It just freaking figures they would release a new one right after he bought his.

8:16:10pm - Kile notices some small print that states “The new iPod Nano!  Starting at $149!”  Kile thinks “huh…that’s what I paid for mine two weeks ago…surely they mean the old 4GB version”

8:16:15pm - Kile clicks the link to the iPod Nano web site.

8:16:20pm - Kile notices that the new iPod Nano comes in 8GB and 16GB versions.  Oh yeah and the 8GB version starts at $149.  Kile realizes he paid the same amount for his 4GB versionlike 2 weeks ago…AND it’s the older model.

8:16:30pm  - Kile exclaims loudly to noone in particular “Well……..FUCK!!”

8:17pm - Kile tries to remember exactly WHEN he bought his iPod and remembers it was the Friday before August 31st because that’s when Marilyn got her iPhone because AT&T moved up her upgrade date a few days and we ran down to the Apple store that Friday rather than Monday.  Kile checks the calendar and notices the date is September 12th and quicly calculates that it was exactly 14 days ago he bought his old and busted iPod.

8:17:30pm  Kile checks the Apple store web site for their refund policy.  The web site states their return policy is….14 days.  Kile exclaims loudly: “Holy SHIT!”

8:18pm - Kile tries to hunt down his receipt to verify the purchase date.  He searches high and low without success. He has an epiphany: “They sent me an EMAIL receipt.”  Kile wonders if the Apple store is still open at 8:18pm on a Friday.

8:18:30pm - Kile checks his email and finds the receipt which has the phone number on it.  He calls the store and a very sexy automated attendant coolly informs him that the store is open until 9pm weekdays.  Kile’s heart sings just to hear the Apple stores automated voice and considers calling back just to hear her voice one more time.  He realizes he’s drooling on the receiver and thinks “holy crap they’re open unil 9!”

8:19pm - Kile asks Marilyn if he should try to make it to the Apple store before they close which is about a 20 mile drive.  She gives him the look as if to say “well duuuuuhhhhh!”

8:20pm - Kile grabs his iPod, case, sync cable, and headphones, throws them all in a bag and exclaims to his 8 year old “comeonharrygetinthevanwegottago!”

8:40pm - Kile and Harry make great time on the interstate are about 5 miles away when they pull up behind a highway patrol trooper. FUCK!

8:45pm - Kile misses the South Virginia exit because he was too focused on the damned highway patrolmen.  This exit would have put him right at the entrance to the Summit Sierra Mall and now his only option is to get off at the next exit and backtrack.  Kile and Harry have simultaneous aneurisms.

8:50pm - Kile pulls up in front of the Apple store.  Oh how he has missed it’s glowing white apple.

8:51pm - Bearded Dude helps Kile and assures him that yes he can do an exchange and that it makes complete sense to him.  He calls over Hot Blonde to complete the transaction (Kile realizes this is probably how they sell alot of their stuff….like it needs a Hot Blondeto close the deal…please!).  Hot Blonde asks Kile which color he would like and after looking at all of his options decides “Black”

8:52pm - Hot Blonde consults Bearded Dude about how to do the exchange while Kile takes another look at the colors.  Kile changes his mind and informs Hot Blonde that he would rather have the “Silver” one.

8:53pm - Bearded Dude and Hot Blonde are having some trouble with the handheld point of sale and ask Kile to step back to the register to complete the transaction.  Kile realizes he hsn’t seen Harry since they got there and finds him completely immersed in an iPhone listening to music using Bose headphones.  Kile takes another look at the iPods and decides he wants the “Blue” iPod instead and informs Hot Blonde of his final decision.

8:58pm - Hot Blonde has been in the back for 5 minutes looking for a “Blue” iPod and emerges unsuccessful to ask Skinny Co-Worker for help.  Kile ont he other hand has now spent the past 5 minutes agonizing over the “Blue” iPod and decides he would rather have the “Silver” iPod.  Hot Blonde says she’ll take another look for the “Blue” iPod and Kile let’s her know that if she can’t find one that the “Silver” or “Black” would be just fine.  He secretly now wishes he could get the “Black” iPod but doesn’t want to seem wishy washy by mentioning this to Hot Blonde and decides he’ll take whatever she brings out.

9:00pm - Hot Blonde emerges with a “Black” iPod in hand.  Kile wonders how she knew and realizes she is an Apple Store associate after all.  She assures him that the “Black” will stay cleaner and that it looks cooler.  Of course!  Why didn’t I think of that?

9:11pm - Kile finds Harry playing on an iMac and they exit the store with the new hotness.

9:12pm - Kile and Harry are on the road home and Kile starts to wonder if he made the right decision.  The new iPod is a different shape and size an won’t fit into the armband he JUST bought.  WIll he be able to find an armband that fits?  Maye he should have just stuck with he old iPod since it worked just great and fit perfectly in the armband.  What about the Nike sensor?  Does it have the same connector on the bottom for the connector?  What the freak would he do if ……………… (for the whole ride home)

10:00pm - Kile breaks into his new iPod and after a few minutes is 100% positive he has made the right decision.  If anything he is more in love with this iPod than the previous one.  Fuck the armband he’ll carry the damned thing in his pocket if he has to!

The new iPod Nano is SERIOUSLY cool.  It now has the built-in motion sensor like the iPhone and Touch do which allows for some really cool features.  You can shake the iPod to shuffle to the next song and I’m totally addicted to “Maze” which is game much like the marble mazes you shift around to drop the tiny metal balls into the holes but with like 20 different mazes and alot of cool features.  There are some other cool features too like screen lock and song fading which I have found very nice.  Oh, and the new Nike+ armband was designed with this version of the iPod in mind and Apple also has released an armband that accommodates the Nike+ sensor so I’m covered in that regard also as soon as I’m willing to part with $30 for an armband.  There are very few, if any, accessories out yet however but I imagine by Christmas you won’t be able to swing a dead at in Walmart or BestBuy without hitting some.

This weeks roundup of the truly despicable:

Russell Brand - You know your pithy humor only goes so far especially with that ratty mop of hair and dilated pupils.  Seriously are you stoned all the time?  That was tacky bashing the Jonas Brothers for wearing “purity rings.”  We all know they’re getting laid more than a Vegas pimp but the rings complete the good boy image they have going which is why they are getting laid so much in the first place!  What don’t you understand about this you giant buffoon?

Women who used to support Hillary who now support Palin - Are you really that fucking sexist?  You seriously want a woman in office that bad that you are willing to jump ship on your own party?  That’s pretty weak.

Thailand - More specifically the Thailand Constitutional Court.  You FIRED your Prime Minister just because he appeared on a COOKING SHOW that he used to host?  WTF?!  You don’t even WANT to know what happens in our country with the likes of Dick Cheney and Haliburton.  HOOOOO BOY!!

Lance Armstrong - What the fu….?  No wait I actually think it’s a good idea you’re coming out of retirement to race in the Tour an eighth time.  Good For you!  Break a leg!

Apple - Why didn’t you TELL me you were unveiling a new iPod a mere TWO WEEKS after I bought mine?  I coulc have totally had the new hotness but now I’m stuck with old and busted.  Well……FUCK!

p.s. I still love you Apple.  You too Lance.  Group hug!  Awwwww.

There was a time in my life when my weekend recaps would have involved alcohol, socially unacceptable friends, and at least one use of the phrase “and so I woke up 12 hours later on the front lawn.”  I’m not saying I MISS those weekends but they are in stark contrast to weekends now.  Our primary goal on the weekends?  To leave the house at least once.  We feel a great sense of accomplishment when we manage to do this.  This weekend we actually managed to get out not only once, not twice,  but THREE times.  Friday night we had a fundraiser to go to for Harry’s school.  It was one of those “go eat at one of these restaraunts and they’lll donate 20% of the bill to the school” things so we went to Qdoba (a fresh mex place) and then to Walmart.  I’ve been looking for a better pair of headphones for running and spentmost of my weekend looking for something I liked.  Currently I have the pair of earphones that came with the iPod Nano which are great sounding headphones but only rest in the ear and tend to fall out when I’m running.  However, they have the advantage of being good quality and also allow about the right amount of external noise through so you can still hear traffic, sirens, ferocious dogs, lions, tigers, etc. while listening to music (did I mention I live near a zoo and have a constant fear of escaped lions and tigers?).  I have another pair of headphones that came with my laptop that are noise cancelling and have the advantage of awesome bass reproduction and fit tightly in the ear canal but don’t let any external sound in which is great for tuning out 2 year olds but not so great when you’re listening for the subtle sounds of a 600 lb. SIberian tiger waiting to pounce.  Damn those things are stealthy!  So basicallyI need something that is like the iPod headphones but attach to the ear.  You would think this would be an easy thing to find, and they are, but it’s another thing finding a pair for the price I want to pay.  Saturday we ventured out to BesBuy to spend a $25 gift card and scored Marilyn a slip cover for her iPhone which she desperately needed.

OMG I must interrupt my post.  My 8 year old just stopped by my chair, looked at my laptop, sighed, then said in a snarky tone “oh, Slackerpapa, why am I not surprised?”  WTF?!

Anyway.  Today we once again managed to skip church and instead slept in then went to the mall.  We finally found Harry a really rocking backpack at Childrens Place.  We hit Sam’s Club where we got a roasted chicken for dinner along with some other groceries and are currently chilling at home watching a movie.  I’m sure if I owuld have tried I probably could have worked ”and so I woke up 12 hours later on the front lawn” into this but that would probably mean I passed out mowing the lawn or something.  Maybe next weekend.

My name is Kile and I’m an addict.  I may mentioned in a recent post that Marilyn won an iPhone and through a strange twist of fate one of these bad boys fell into my possession:

I’ve always heard people talk about their iPod’s and thought they were a little “off” (if you know what I mean) and would go on and on about their blessed iPod until I was like “why don’t you and your iPod get a freaking room already!”  I amnot ashamed to admit that I am now one of these people.  As soon as I touched it’s sleek aluminum and stainless steel body it instantly melded to my hand and I can barely set the thing down without going through withdrawal symptoms.  It even talks to me seductively.  In addition to the iPod I also purchased the Nike+ kit to go with it so now when I’m walking or running I only need to hit the shiny button and she speaks softly and sexily in my ear “Your total time is 22 minutes 34 seconds, total distance is 1 mile, your current pace is….”  (I always tune out the last portion since she always has a snarky tone to her voice when she talks about my pace).  They can have my iPod when they pry it from my cold dead fingers.  And like take the armband off my cold dead arm.  And take the earpieces out of my cold dead ears.  On second thought I doubt anyone would want to listen to an iPod pried from someone’s corpse so instead browse it to my “In Case Of Death Play This” playlist and slam the coffin shut.

p.s. I totally need to go create my “In Case Of Death Play This” playlist now just in case…

p.s.s. What kind of songs does one put on their “In Case Of Death Play This” playlist?  I’m thinking vast amounts of AC/DC and Fergie

p.s.s.s God HAS to love Fergie (I mean who doesn’t?) but I’m torn on the AC/DC issue.  Can you play “You Shook Me All Night Long” in heaven?  I suppose it depends on exactly WHO (whom?) shook you all night long and for what reasons?  Crap this is getting complicated.