The other night we were coming home from redneck heaven Walmart and stopped at the gas station to get raped by the fucking man once again dammit put some gas in the van and we decided to get some snacks. While Harry and I ran into to get a couple of gas station donuts (mmmm…) Marilyn stayed in the car with the two little ones where she enjoyed people watching. She mentioned when we returned that she was surprised how many men don’t hold open the door for a woman entering and how some even let the WOMAN hold open the door for THEM.

Flashback about 25 years ago. My mother and I were about to enter a craft store and the door, like most exterior doors, opened out. As I approached the door I noticed a lady who was getting ready to exit the store. She opened the door, held it, and I entered. My mother spent the next several minutes apologizing to this woman and while I patiently waited inside. If I had any sense at the ripe young age of 13 I would have bolted from that store and never looked back. However, I stood there like a deer in headlights when my mother came through the door. She let me HAVE IT! My mother when she is mad has this uncanny ability to raise her voice to an octave that only dogs can hear. You know that scene in Harry Potter when Ron gets a “screamer” letter from his mom after they fly the car to school and crash it into the whomping willow? My tongue lashing was much worse than that and in person. I don’t remember the exact conversation (if you can call getting yelled at by you mother in public while you stand there smiling stupidly at people passing by a “conversation”) but I got the message loud and clear that if I ever let a lady hold the door open for me again my life would be forfeit.

My wife can attest to the impact this event had on the rest of my life. There’s barely a weekend that goes by she doesn’t end up patiently (or impatiently) waiting for me in a store for several minutes because I’m holding the door open for any woman who happened to be walking in at the same time I was. Granted I was raised very old fashioned by todays standards but I’m amazed at the reaction I get, especially from older ladies, when I do such a simple thing as hold the door open for them.

Alright class, since so many of you DON’T know proper door holding etiquette Slackerpapa is gonna learn ya:

• When you approach a door and there is a lady behind you grab the door and hold it open for her.  You hold the door until either a) the last lady is through the door, or b) the next gentlemen grabs the door and holds it open.  (Note: if you are a gentleman and know the other gentleman it is acceptable to allow him to hold open the door as long as you reciprocate the gesture).
• If you are a gentleman and the lady is exiting so that the door is not available for you to hold (e.g. inward opening) politely step to the side and let the lady exit.  A sweeping arm gesture to let her know you are a gentleman and allowing her to exit is a nice touch.
• GENDER IS THE ONLY DETERMINATION IN THIS EQUATION.  Sexual orientation has no relevance and I don’t care if you’re the “butch” in your lesbian relationship or the “femme” in your gay relationship.  If you’re a dude hold the door open; If you’re a lady allow the door to be held open for you.
• GUYS: It is not cool to ignore the guy holding the door for you and walk right on in.  If you do this don’t be surprised if you are called a “bitch.”
• LADIES:It is not necessary or expected to thank the gentleman holding the door for you but it is always appreciated if you smile and thank him.  Think of it as a tip.
• GUYS: I can’t emphasize this point enough:  It is NOT okay to hold the door partly open and then “bounce” it to the lady approaching behind you.  Nothing pisses me off more than when I see a guy do this.  I don’t care how long you might have to stand there while the entire Red Hat Club walks through.  Don’t be a selfish prick. 
• LADIES: I totally GET the whole equal rights movement but don’t even THINK about holding a door open for a guy.  I have absolutely no problem arguing with you over the issue but it will be a cold day in hell before I let you hold that damned door open for me.
• GUYS:  If a lady triesto hold open the door for you DON’T FALL FOR IT!  Either she has been deluded by the equal rights movement into thinking this is something she should be doing OR she is testing you and if you walk through that damned door you have just flunked the test.

Any questions?