Tuesday Smackdown

Holy shit it’s Tuesday already? Must be time for smackdown! This week’s rondup of the truly despicable:

- Barack Obama - Thank you SO much for keeping us all on the edge our seats about your VP pick just so you could turn around and pick: Joe Fucking Biden?? After all that you went for the crusty old white guy!! December can’t GET here any sooner.

- John McCain - What the hell are you waiting for? Announce you’re crusty old white guy already!! Oh I’m sorry it’s supposed to be a “surprise.” Fuck, I wish it were December already.

- Russia - In regards to Georgia: Either fuck them properly or pull the fuck OUT! (that’s what she said)

- Cows - What are you a bunch of freaking monarch butterflies now with your ability to figure out which way is North? Next thing you know you’ll all sprout wings and fly over the countryside crapping on everything. You really freak me out.

- American Idol - Come on guys do you really think that adding a FOURTH judge is going to save that sinking ship? Here’s an idea: PRODUCE A FUCKING AMERICAN IDOL. The only people who succeed do so in SPITE of your show and can at least fall back on their righteous indignation.

- Replay in baseball - Waiting around for blue to review the tape will make THAT fucking game more exciting.

I’m sure in December I won’t have anything to complain about. Is it December yet?

Motorcycle accident 1986

The first thing I remember was everything being blurry.

I didn’t know it at the time but apparently after sliding across across the pavement and through the intersection I had hit my head on the curb. I peeled myself from the cold concrete of the gutter and panicked because I could only make out fuzzy details. After taking my helmet off I discovered that the impact of the crash had knocked my glasses off my face and up on top of my head inside my helmet. The glasses were bent but I was able to bend them back and put them on.

The first thing I noticed was a newspaper sitting next to a 10 speed bicycle that was badly mangled. The newspaper wasn’t crumpled but rather tented open like it had been dropped in a hurry. I looked up and saw my friend Jeff laying flat on his back in the intersection with a couple of guys bent over him telling him not to move because he may have injured his back. It was about then that the shock started setting in.

People talk alot about shock and how to treat it’s difficult to put into words what it really feels like. The best way I can describe it is “beyond fear.” Your body has reached and surpassed the fear threshold and has moved into a different realm where pure adrenaline seems to be pumping through your veins. There is no pain because your body and brain are too busy trying to assess the damage to feel any. It was then that the reality of what had just occurred started to sink in and my brain struggled desperately to figure it out.

Jeff and I had gone to see the movie “Spys Like Us” that night. Him and his mom were in town visiting and we decided to get out and do something fun instead of sitting at home. We hopped on my street bike and headed for downtown. I had never seen so many people out and about on an August night and I chalked it up to the price of gasoline that for some strange reason had dipped down to about $0.75 per gallon. After the movie let out the traffic was so heavy that we decided to parallel down main street and then cut over before heading back. The last thing I remembered was heading through the intersection of Main and Broadway and everything was black until I came to in the gutter.

Among the large number of people out enjoying the evening were 7-8 Emergency Medical Technicians who in that part of the country typically drove pickup trucks and were authorized to attach a single red flashing light to their vehicle in an emergency. In addition to the bicycle, newspaper, and my friend Jeff laying in the intersection were 7-8 of these pickup trucks with flashing red lights that were seemingly instantly on the scene taking care of Jeff, directing traffic, etc. They had parked in such a way to make a sort of half circle around the scene essentially blocking traffic in the northbound lanes so traffic was being diverted to one of the southbound lanes creating a bottleneck in both directions. A very short time after several police cars arrived on the scene which added even more lights and action to the scene. I stood standing for a few minutes observing all this while the shock slowly took over my body. The police were then talking to a woman who was crying hysterically next to an orange 70’s era Datsun car with the left front fender and front of the car heavily damaged. It was then my brain finally determined that the car must have hit my motorcycle and I let out a string of profanity that would have made a sailor blush. Some smart-ass in a truck stopped on the side street said something like “hey buddy just sit down and take it easy” but the shock had totally taken over at this point and I had very little control of my faculties. A woman and her teenage daughter were standing by Jeff and there was some conversation about if an ambulance should be called or not and it was decided that yes they shoudl call an ambulance for him.

Apparently nobody realized at first that the motorcycle had two riders especially since I was up and walking around. One of the EMT’s took a look at me and decided to come talk to me. He asked if I had been involved in the accident and I said yes I was the driver of the motorcycle. He noticed a small amount of blood on my pants. The ambulance came screaming up Main Street about this time so the EMT asked if I would step over the ambulance so he could examine my leg. They loaded my friend Jeff on a stretcher and had him in the ambulance before I walked over and stepped up in. The EMT asked me my name and started doing a standard assessment on me which I was familiar with since I had taken a course the previous year which covered standar assessments. He asked what I remembered about the accident and after telling him about being out and apparently hitting the curb he checked my head thoroughly and surmised that while there was no external damage that I needed to be monitored for internal damage. He also noted the deep abrasions on both arms and my back. He then inspected the small hole in my jeans and then became very concerned about the bleeding. They cut my pants leg up to the knee and there were several exclamations from others in the ambulance. I couldn’t see what they were seeing but they quickly immobilized my leg and put an air splint on. On the way to the hospital they asked me a standard series of questions every couple of minutes and monitored my pupils very carefully. I got so sick of amswering the questions and even argued with them about it on at least one occasion.

The memories of the wreck came to me at first in my dreams. Over the next several months my brain would conjure up the details of the accident and fill in the blanks. We had the green light when we entered the intersection. I saw the car driving somewhat erratically the other direction and saw it swerve over into the left turn lane. She never even paused to see if anything or anyone was coming through the intersection and took the corner nearly full speed at about 25-30 miles per hour. My brain processed the entire accident in slow motion and I remember clearly putting both of my hands on the hood of her car right before the impact. The impact was so hard and so sudden that we were instantly on the ground. I remember sliding through the intersection and turning over and over. The traffic light was in the process of changing from green to yellow to red as I was sliding and I remember noticing this. Where the pavement touched my bare skin it was cold and there was no thought of what it was doing to my flesh. Everything went balck for a few minutes then I woke up in the gutter.

The woman who hit me was on welfare and had no insurance on her vehicle. The police officers who arrived on scene assessed her and determined that she had been smoking marijuana and had a few drinks. She had also apparently just been in an argument and was emotionally upset.

The mangled fender of her car impaled my calf leaving a half dollar size puncture wound. Her bumper also impacted my calf just below the puncture. We were told to soak the leg several times a day in a warm bath and to let the wound heal from the inside out but the wound ended up getting infected anyway. Our source of water was well water and we found out a few months later that a water test from around the time of the accident showed a large amount of gram negative bacteria in the water which found my wounds a great place to incubate. Both wounds had to be debrided and we discovered that the puncture had actually penetrated deep into my leg and the fender had spread the two leg bones apart without breaking either one. I spent a week in the hospital in isolation and the doctor told me that if the infection spread to the deeper tissue they would have to amputate my leg. Luckily this wasn’t the case but the debridement had left a gaping hole in my leg that had to be skin grafted.

We received a copy of the accident report about a week later and the responding police officers had remarked how incredible it was that the car hadn’t just run over the top of us. They attributed this to the fact that the car sat low enough and hit us hard enough that it knocked us clear of the motorcycle. I attributed it to the fact that God didn’t want me quite yet.

Ahhhhh…babies

My poor wife is apparently coming down with a cold which means that by the end of the week everyone in the family will either a) have it, or b) be rcovering from it. Our conversation about this on IM today:

Marilyn:  ugh, and here it comes.  the cold descends upon me.
me: awww poor sweetie. you feeling poorly?
Marilyn: yes…and i’m giving it to YOU next
me: oh noes!!
Marilyn: (except i’m sure somehow this will only cause ME more trouble somehow)
me: I’m not too worried….you’d actually have to like kiss me and stuff to spread it
Marilyn: oh, OUCH
me: and I don’t think the little prude sleeping between us will allow it

I’m not sure what she meant by the smart-ass comment about it causing HER more trouble. I’m not the type of guy to lay around and expect my wife to take care of me when I’m sick. Which is probably a good thing. Just saying.

Tuesday Smackdown

This weeks roundup of the truly despicable:

China’s Olympic Gymnastic Team - You seriously expect me to believe that any of those girls are older than 10?!  Most of them haven’t even gone though PUBERTY yet but there you are parading them around like 16 year olds.  It seems like the more China TRIES to impress th word the more they FAIL.  But then again communist countries have to do SOMETHING to cover up the rampant poverty and human rights abuses even if that means manipulating children.  Disgusting!

- While we’re on the subject lets talk about gymnastics scoring - WTF?!  The new system was supposed to eliminate judging bias but it seems like it just justifies it.  Why don;t they just start over from scratch and be done with it!

- John McCain AND Barack Obama - Are you morons gonna pick running mates or WHAT?  Oh I get it!  McCain doesn’t want to pick a running mate because he’s waiting to see if McCain picks a woman because HE wants to pick a woman and if they both pick women there’s no issue.  But if McCain picks a crusty old white guy then Obama ALSO needs to pick a crusty old white guy otherwise he’s hanging his ass in the wind with too many minorities on a ticket.  McCain is waiting to see if Obama has the balls to run a woman for VP because then he’ll pick a crusty old white guy.  But if Obama picks a crusty old white guy them maybe he should pick a hispanic or black guy to make the ticket more diverse.  OH MY DEAR GOD IVE GONE BLIND!!!  Just pick a VP already you pusses so we can decide which moron we want to vote for!

- My wife and older boy - I told them they were going on my Tuesday Smackdown and my darling wife says “don’t make it sound like I beat him or anything!”  FIne. I promose not to do that as long as you both agree you will TRY not to PISS EACH OTHER OFF on a daily basis.  I swear theire personalities are perfectly tuned to pick at each other and find the ONE thing that they KNOW will piss the other off.  Heaven forbid anything should ever happen to me because they’ll never make it.  (in all seriousness my wife would never harm our children….physically.  Have you seen the title of her blog?)

It’s a lttle late this week but you can bite me.

p.s. Did I mention how much I STRONGLY DISLIKE Michael Phelps and his 4,000 condoms?  Prick.

I blame Michael Phelps

I’m here tonight to explain my recent absence from my blog and to fully vet the reasons for said absence.  I can tell by your chilly silence that you are still mad at me so let me explain (listen up because this is for both of you).  Several events have transpired this past week to occupy my time and created a perfect storm of inactivity.  I’d like to blame the heavy workload as we approach a critical time of year at work.  I’d like to blame my recent subscription renewal to Runescape for sucking my time.  I’d like to blame my recent return to “long distance” running if you can call wheezing and crawling around the block running.  Did I mention I used to be a long distance runner?  I’ll leave you guessing at that one until I’m good and ready to talk about it.  However, if I’m to be truthful I have to place the blame on the one person who has sucked my time more than anything this past week:  That god-damned Michael Phelps! 

My wife turned to me the other night as we watched Michael Phelps win his 8th gold medal:

Marilyn:  That Michael Phelps is getting alot of ass in Bejing
me:  That nerd?  You really think he’d getting alot of ass with those ears and that goofy face?
Marilyn:  Did you know they’ve used like 100,000 condoms at the Olympics already?
me: *blink blink*
Marilyn:  And that’s for like 4,000 athletes!
me:  You do know athletes at the Olympics don’t have sex right?
Marilyn:  Why?
me:  Because sex takes exertion and Olympic athletes aren’t going to expend that energy on sex
Marilyn: *stunned silence*
me: Besides their so over-scheduled they don’t have time for sex

What I also wanted to say for fear of jeopardizing MY chances for ass was a quote from Michael Phelps himself:  “I’m actually pretty lazy.  When I’m not swimming I just like to lay on the couch and play video games.”  Do you know what that means?  It means that in 10 years Michael Phelps will not only be a goofy looking nerd but he’ll also be a FAT goofy looking nerd.  What really chaps my ass is that he’ll STILL be getting more ass than I could ever imagine.  That god-damned Michael Phelps!

Door etiquette

The other night we were coming home from redneck heaven Walmart and stopped at the gas station to get raped by the fucking man once again dammit put some gas in the van and we decided to get some snacks. While Harry and I ran into to get a couple of gas station donuts (mmmm…) Marilyn stayed in the car with the two little ones where she enjoyed people watching. She mentioned when we returned that she was surprised how many men don’t hold open the door for a woman entering and how some even let the WOMAN hold open the door for THEM.

Flashback about 25 years ago. My mother and I were about to enter a craft store and the door, like most exterior doors, opened out. As I approached the door I noticed a lady who was getting ready to exit the store. She opened the door, held it, and I entered. My mother spent the next several minutes apologizing to this woman and while I patiently waited inside. If I had any sense at the ripe young age of 13 I would have bolted from that store and never looked back. However, I stood there like a deer in headlights when my mother came through the door. She let me HAVE IT! My mother when she is mad has this uncanny ability to raise her voice to an octave that only dogs can hear. You know that scene in Harry Potter when Ron gets a “screamer” letter from his mom after they fly the car to school and crash it into the whomping willow? My tongue lashing was much worse than that and in person. I don’t remember the exact conversation (if you can call getting yelled at by you mother in public while you stand there smiling stupidly at people passing by a “conversation”) but I got the message loud and clear that if I ever let a lady hold the door open for me again my life would be forfeit.

My wife can attest to the impact this event had on the rest of my life. There’s barely a weekend that goes by she doesn’t end up patiently (or impatiently) waiting for me in a store for several minutes because I’m holding the door open for any woman who happened to be walking in at the same time I was. Granted I was raised very old fashioned by todays standards but I’m amazed at the reaction I get, especially from older ladies, when I do such a simple thing as hold the door open for them.

Alright class, since so many of you DON’T know proper door holding etiquette Slackerpapa is gonna learn ya:

  • When you approach a door and there is a lady behind you grab the door and hold it open for her.  You hold the door until either a) the last lady is through the door, or b) the next gentlemen grabs the door and holds it open.  (Note: if you are a gentleman and know the other gentleman it is acceptable to allow him to hold open the door as long as you reciprocate the gesture).
  • If you are a gentleman and the lady is exiting so that the door is not available for you to hold (e.g. inward opening) politely step to the side and let the lady exit.  A sweeping arm gesture to let her know you are a gentleman and allowing her to exit is a nice touch.
  • GENDER IS THE ONLY DETERMINATION IN THIS EQUATION.  Sexual orientation has no relevance and I don’t care if you’re the “butch” in your lesbian relationship or the “femme” in your gay relationship.  If you’re a dude hold the door open; If you’re a lady allow the door to be held open for you.
  • GUYS: It is not cool to ignore the guy holding the door for you and walk right on in.  If you do this don’t be surprised if you are called a “bitch.”
  • LADIES:It is not necessary or expected to thank the gentleman holding the door for you but it is always appreciated if you smile and thank him.  Think of it as a tip.
  • GUYS: I can’t emphasize this point enough:  It is NOT okay to hold the door partly open and then “bounce” it to the lady approaching behind you.  Nothing pisses me off more than when I see a guy do this.  I don’t care how long you might have to stand there while the entire Red Hat Club walks through.  Don’t be a selfish prick. 
  • LADIES: I totally GET the whole equal rights movement but don’t even THINK about holding a door open for a guy.  I have absolutely no problem arguing with you over the issue but it will be a cold day in hell before I let you hold that damned door open for me.
  • GUYS:  If a lady triesto hold open the door for you DON’T FALL FOR IT!  Either she has been deluded by the equal rights movement into thinking this is something she should be doing OR she is testing you and if you walk through that damned door you have just flunked the test.

Any questions?

Hot August Nights Recap

What is Hot August Nights you ask?!  Only the biggest, coolest, and hottest “celebration of the American Automobile culture of the ’50’s and ’60’s!”  For 22 years car enthusiasts from all over the country have converged on Reno, NV to show off their rides.  With this many cars (over 5,500 this year!)  all in one place you’re bound to find something you like.  My goal for many years has been to build a custom cruiser and attend this magnificent event as a participant.  However, having a family and constantly being short on funds has put the kebash on that dream for the time being.  Last weekend we did make it over to the Atlantis for their show and shine event.  Marilyn discovered she really digs the grills on 1930’s era cars and trucks while I have a serious weakness for the early 1900’s classics and the muscle cars.  Here’s a sampling of some the rides:

However, the real honey of the show for me was this 1924 Dodge Business Coupe.  It’s definitely still a project car but this will be a real looker when they are done with it:

Oh! Before I forget…Marilyn also promised to buy RhiRhi this car as a wedding present!  What a nice wife I have:

Free offer only valid for 1 day and is subject to verification of marriage certificate and scrap of floor at new townhouse for BlogHer09.

Free offer only valid for 1 day and is subject to verification of marriage certificate and scrap of floor at new townhouse for BlogHer09.

Three things that made me PISS my pants today!

Maybe it’s because I’m under a constant crushing weight of stress at work or that I’m off my meds but these three things made me laugh my ass off and piss my pants today:

  1. Thank you Blogess (Jenny? Miss The Blogess? Her Blogessnessinatorness?) for sharing the “No Twitter for Hitler” video.  OMFG!!  I seriously blew tea through my nose and laid giggling on the floor for a half hour after watching this.  Sadly my co-workers thought nothing of this
  2. Thank you Sweetney for the link to Cake Wrecks.  I lost it on about the third page with the cake that reads simply: ”Happy Birthday Dickhead!”  That’s too fucking funny.
  3. My boss informed me this morning that the “H” key on his work laptop has quit functioning.  So tonight I get an email something like “Tats okay.  We’ll excange tem wen I see you tomorrow.”  LOL!!  I’m considering not replacing his laptop for awhile just for the entertainment value because tat’s ilarious!

The room is starting to spin again and the little people want me to drink pixie juice with them so gotta run!

(UPDATE: The link for Cake Wrecks was wrong has been corrected.  Sorry!)

Tuesday Smackdown

This weeks roundup of the truly despicable:

President Bush - Can a person look more bored at the Olympics? At least your wife has the decency to LOOK impressed while your CHECKING YOUR WATCH!! Okay okay I’ll cut you a little slack since you and your buddy Putin HAD just been talking about Georgia a few minutes before. Still, over the next few days you could have used your infinite power as Commander in Chief to at LEAST hold the American flag the right way:

Uhhhhh

- Bob Costas - Hey moron, thank’s for pointing out the painfully obvious. How did primetime television EVER do without YOUR witty banter?

- John Edwards - Oh doooooood! What the hell were YOU thinking? It’s one thing cheating on your wife but when she has cancer? That’s a whole new kind of wrong. I’m sure Obama is TOTALLY considering you for the VP spot now.

- Michael Phelps - A special thank you for once again showing me just how big of a fat, lazy loser I really am!  Just wait until you retire and all you do is lounge around on the couch and play video games.  THEN we’ll see who’s a fat lazy loser.

- China’s government - Turns out the little girl in the red dress?  Not so much a singer!  China’s politburo decided that the REAL singer was too UGLY to represent the nation.  WTF?!  These fucking people decided to use an ACTRESS to lip-synch the song while the REAL singer was hidden away.   Then they wonder why the rest of the world points fingers at them and decries their human rights abuses!  What a bunch of 1st class, grade A, prejudiced MORONS.  Oh and the footprints fireworks?  Turns out that they may or may not have been REAL!  That country is seriously FUCKED UP!

(What?  No John McCain or Barack Obama on the list this week?  They must be getting ready to pick their VP’s)

Summer Olympics - Need more cowbell

We were watching the Olympics this past weekend and it struck me as odd that I don’t find as much enjoyment from the Summer Olympics as I do the Winter Olympics.  There’s the same intense competition, triumph, and agony of defeat that should be just as appealing.  There are definitely summer sports that I love to watch such as gymnastics or track and field but there always seems to be something MISSING from each event.  This morning it finally hit me:  The Summer Olympics need more COWBELL!  For whatever reason it has become part of the Winter Olympic “culture” for spectators to bang cowbells loudly as racers pass.  This provides the unique “clang clang clang clang” you hear when watching the event on tv and has become a staple of the Winter Olympics.  I propose that they bring this concept to Summer Olympics.  Spectators can sit at the side of pool during swimming events and loudly clang their cowbells at the swimmers as they race!  Or imagine what it would add to gymnastics if several hundred people were clanging their cowbells during the uneven parallel bars competition.  The possibilities are endless!